Hi everyone, it has certainly been a while since I updated any of my blogs so what has been happening in my life?
Well, I found a job around the end of January 2015 and learned a lot from there but I recently quit that job with the intention to study again but I am not sure when yet. I really just want to spend time with myself and understand what had happened to me over the past year.
Around late last year, I found myself with the beautiful opportunities that came in the package of studying abroad but at the same time I also very much liked and felt quite satisfied and content with my job as I was learning a lot of things even if there were a number of complications. I thought long and hard whether to leave the job that I already have to pursue something that I was and still am clueless (in most aspect) about.
However… My dilemma has started. I suddenly went into the end of spectrum where there is little happiness, hope, and love cannot be found. I always thought that I was quite moody to the point of being “neurotic” (I know. I might be using this term quite loosely. I apologize for this!). I always found myself very depressed and lonely. I did want to eat anything nor do I want to be bothered by other people. I wanted to be alone but not really. I was so confused to why I was being that way since it has been a while since I have felt and thought of these things.
Every day I wake up, I contemplated why I had to go to work. I mean I like most of the people I worked with and I do enjoy and like what I was doing but I just felt hollow, sad, lonely, and trapped for some odd reason. I felt like I was mentally and emotionally so tired that to get through the day I just simply told myself “just get through today and you can get back to your bed”. All I thought about was sleep and how much I wanted to rest.
My thoughts while I was in the office (aside for being able to go back to bed at the end of the day) was cleaning. I wanted to clean everything in the office so badly. I got irritated so easily when I saw even a little speck of dust. It just was not pleasant. I also found myself constantly wanting to wash my hands throughout the day but I do not know why either.
Everything was just so out of placed and I felt so helpless. I could not control anything that was going on my life. I felt like I was going insane. For the most part, I was starting to feel like my sanity was just falling apart and way too quickly if I do say so myself. I started crying for no apparent reason. I get very anxious to the point that I have a hard time sleeping. I was practically half-asleep the first 2-4 hours of my sleep. I was just a nervous-wreck…
Basically, I was crying and feeling nervous without any apparent reason. I ended up losing my appetite more to the point that I only eat because I did not want people to ask “are you okay?” or think that something was wrong. I did not want to hear that question because I, myself, am asking that question and I cannot even answer the question. I mean how can I? I do not even know what was wrong with me!
After much thought and after a long time… I decided to pray. I was able to sleep well that night. When I work up, I know that I had to leave my job but not because I was unhappy with the tasks I was doing or the people I was working with but for a very personal reason that I would not want to say it here. You can think that it has something to do with my emotional and mental state.
(I also left my job because I wanted to better my career opportunities thus deciding to study again would be good since I know that would be an advantage for me.)
All I can say is I went through that stage over and over again when I was younger (until my high school years) and I know this will happen again as it has always happened before. I always found myself in the situation where I am happy, quite satisfied, and content but I would become extremely sad, lonely, and angry for no apparent reason the next days. These negative emotions stays with me for weeks to months until I do something that can make me get out of the funk. To be honest, I still do not understand what really happen to me or why I felt those emotions but I feel happy right now and I am actually enjoying every single day again so I want to treasure what I am feeling right now.
Now, I am trying to simply understand what was happening to me and simply enjoying my time to do the things I want and love since it has been a while. I can once again grab a book and be completely absorbed in it.