Alone

Dear Diary,

“The worst thing in the world isn’t being alone. It’s being surrounded by people that make you feel like you’re alone.”

— Unknown

Just a little reminder…

Peace and Love.

xoxo

Rose

I loathe roses so much and to think it is my name too. How ironic! Just the sight or smell of it makes me sick to my stomach. I never go anywhere that is close to a rose garden, including houses that have a rose garden, which is why every time a friend invites me to go attend social events at a certain place I am not familiar with, I make sure to always ask my secretary to find out whether the place has a rose garden or not.

My friends have asked me many times over and over why I hate roses but sadly I find it hard to explain or to tell them the reason behind my loathe for roses because it goes a long way back… I never understand why people even love this flower in the first place after all its thorns can hurt them. When I try to remember the reason I hated the roses, it seems that I started loathing them after my mother’s death…

Every time I tell my brother that I despise them, he simply smiles at me and tells me that I will learn to appreciate the beauty of it but sadly I just loathe it even more as time passes. I really cannot stand it!

I remember we used to have a big rose garden at our backyard because my late mother is simply fascinated with them. She loves roses so day after day she took care of those roses all day long. In fact, tending the roses is probably the only thing she can do due to her illness. My mother has blood cancer and after a year I was born it got worst. My father asked her to simply stay at home and rest. Before leaving for work, my father will always tell me not to make my mother tired and to listen to everything she says. He also asks all the house-workers to watch over me and my mom if anything happens to her or me. Ever since my mother’s illness got worst, she cannot go outside our home as much as she use to because she might get tired and it will be bad for her so she simply stayed at home and tend the roses. My father also started working at home for four days a week. I guess being president of a well-known enterprise means he cannot get a day off from work even if his wife is extremely ill already. He stays inside the home office all day long. The home office is near the backyard door in order for him to get to my mother fast if anything happens to her. My father moved the home office near the backyard door so that he can see my mother through the office window because in all honesty he does not approve of my mother tending roses since she bruises easily and bleed excessively but my mother promise him that she will be careful in tending them. My father really did not want to agree but my mother told him that it would make her happy if he would let her so my father agreed. He always wants to see my mother happy so every time my mother says it that way, he becomes helpless to disagree with her. I also remember that my brother, Damien, used to play a lot in the backyard when he gets home from school and during the weekends because of the mini playground in it. I was forbidden to go to the backyard because of an incident that had happen to me when I was a baby. My parents had placed a crib in the backyard for me so that my mother can take care of me at the same time as she tends the rose garden but when I was already able to crawl and walk for a step or two, my parents removed the crib in the backyard and my mother would always put me on the grass and let me play with my toys. One day my father brought home a ball for me to play with but when I was playing with it the following day the ball roll off towards the rose garden so I followed the ball as it rolls and it rolled within a big rose-bush. When I tried to get my ball back by trying to reach it with my arm, I hurt myself due to the sharp thorns of the rose. When my mother looked to me, my arm was already bleeding and she dropped the things she was holding and ran towards me to treat my wounds. Ever since then my parents thought that it was dangerous for me being around rose gardens. I find it funny every time I remember this story or hear it because I always think how foolish I was to follow that ball.

Ever since then I have obeyed my parents so I did not go near it anymore but I was still forbidden to go near it even when I reached four-year old already. I was very curious what it looks like and if it is as beautiful as my brother had told me but no matter how curious I was I still dare not go near it fearing that my parents will find out and might get mad at me. I know now that my parents were very worried of me and I made my mother very worried of me so I understand why they forbid me to came near any rose garden but why up until I was four they still did not let me near it.

When I was five, my mother passed away due to her illness that my father tells me that my mother has struggled with for a long time now and at least now she no longer has to endure the pain and finally be able rest well. My father decided to hold the wake in our backyard because he thought it would please my mother knowing she is near the rose garden that she cherished and cared so much of. I remember seeing her lying quietly and peacefully inside the coffin. I thought my mother was simply sleeping and found it unusual because by this time of day, I always see her tending the rose garden so I looked at my brother and asked him, “Damien, why is mommy sleeping during the day?” I looked at Damien and my father. They both have a painfully sad expression on their faces.

“Rose, mommy is not sleeping. She is gone already…” Damien replied.

“What do mean she is gone? Mommy is sleeping right there.” I pointed at the coffin.

“Damien, I do not think that your five-year old sister will understand that her mother is dead. You, however, know that your mother is already dead but for your sister your mother is simply sleeping…” My father looked at Damien and me. “Now Rose, I am not sure how I can make you understand but your mother is now resting peacefully after all this years of enduring the pain that her illness gave her.”

I smiled at him and asked, “When will mommy wake up?”

“Oh, Rose! I am sorry to say this but your mother will never wake up anymore.” My father replied to me.

“But mommy has to eat too right? If she does not wake up how will mommy eat? Mommy will be hungry.” I replied my father with a confused look on my face.

“Rose, your mommy will never go hungry now. She does not need food anymore.” My father told me with a serious and sad expression. His secretary approaches him and told him that there are newly arrived guests who wish to send their condolence to him. He looked at Damien and said, “Damien, take care of your sister for me. I will see the guests.” My father gives me a pat and a kiss and walks towards the newly arrived guests.

“Come on Rose. Let us get you something to eat. I am sure you are already hungry.” Damien smiles at me and hold my hand. Even though he smiles, I feel that there is a taint of sadness with it and it made me sad as well though I am not sure what exactly is going on. I just simply smile at him and walk with him towards the kitchen. He asked one of the helpers to cook us something to eat.

When the helper placed the food on the table, I looked at Damien and asked him, “Damien, should we leave mommy some food?”

“Rose, did you forget that daddy told you a while ago that mommy can no longer be hungry? Now go ahead and eat.” Damien just smiles at me and hugs me.

When Damien and I came back, I overheard someone asked my father what was my mother doing before she died because according to him when my father brought my mother to the hospital, her hands were full of bruises and she was bleeding excessively due to it, her death was hasten. I believe he is the doctor of my mother who is also a childhood friend of my parents. My father told him that my mother had got out of bed early in the morning and went to the rose garden and tended it. My father said that he asked my mother if there was something wrong but she said that she simply felt to go to the rose garden and tend them… “I thought there was nothing wrong so I simply smiled at her and let her do as she wished.” I heard my father say and it sounds like he is suppressing his tears. “I told her that I will just get some water to drink and when she heard it she smiled at me and told me to also get her some water so I did. When I got back from the kitchen, I saw her in pain lying on the grass and bleeding so I quickly rush to her. I asked the helpers to watch over Damien and Rose and I told the chauffeur to quickly drive us to the hospital and the hospital you are working in is far from here as you know…” I can sense in my father’s voice that he is doing his best to suppress his tears and to stay strong. “I think she might have felt dizzy while tending the roses but she was trying to force herself and in the process she got herself hurt from the thorns of the roses before collapsing. She might have wanted to pick those roses and put them in a vase.”

“Then why did you not ask the chauffeur to drive you to the nearest hospital?” The man asked.

“I did but she kept on asking and begging me to bring her to the hospital you are in and that she only wants you to treat her.”

“Only me? Why? If you had brought her to the nearest hospital, she could be treated sooner and maybe she could have live.”

“I know that but she kept on insisting that she will only let you treat her and no one else because she trusts you well to know that she is safe in your hands and the same goes for me.” My father replied him as if reassuring him that even if he was not able to save my mother, my father still trust him.

I think after I overheard this conversation I gradually started to loathe roses. I hated roses because I blame it for hastening my mother’s death. If it did not have thorns, my mother would not have gotten hurt and bled excessively. It hastened her death. I started freaking out when I see roses. I started  reacting this way towards roses when I turned fifteen. I would suddenly scream telling people to throw them away and that I despise them. I would even faint afterwards and wake up not remembering the incident. That is why my father ordered for the rose garden’s complete destruction. I know how much my mother love those roses but if it were not for them hastening my mother’s death, she could still be alive now. I find it hard to appreciate it knowing that it helped in rushing my mother’s dead. What everyone see a beauty is for me a horrifying part of nature. Why must nature create such an ugly thing? Every time I hear my name, I remember the flower that made my mother leave such a painful and sad expression on my father’s and brother’s faces. I wanted to change my name but my father would not let me do so because according to him my mother really wanted to name me ‘Rose’ and nothing else. My father told me in a serious and yet jokingly way that if he allows he to change my name, it will certainly make my mother sad and she might haunt him for it.

I apologize if the story is not that good! I really apologize. My brain is seriously tired of thinking since it is summer and I found out just yesterday that I will be submitting a portfolio tomorrow so it is really stressing me out… My brain is seriously out of ideas so please forgive me if the story is not that good!

♥